Friday, January 11, 2008



There is not much worse then living near a pig farm. You have to experience the smell first hand, as no words can properly describe the foul stench to which you are exposed. Now imagine that the pig farm next door is owned by Robert Picton. More then a simple pig farmer, he is Canada's most prolific serial killer, accused of murdering 27 people. Estimates are that Picton is actually responsible for at least 50 murders. Picton operated a large pig farm near the city of Vancouver and police allege he disposed of the bodies by feeding them to his pigs. All of Picton's victims were heroin-addicted prostitutes so technically as a next door neighbour you wouldn't have much to fear (unless you were a heroin-addicted prostitute), which is why Picton only makes #10 on this list. Picton is currently in jail and has been found guilty of six charges of 2nd degree murder, which will keep him behind bars a minimum of 25 years without parole. Due to his age and failing health there is little chance he will ever be released from prison other then for his funeral.


Where do we start? At one time or another this neighbour will steal everything you own. He will cause your business to fail. He will be partially responsible for the death of your wife. He will teach your children to swear, mock your faith at every opportunity, scratch himself in front of your guests, and reject every overture of kindness and generosity you send his way. When the world is ending he will even kick you out of your own bomb shelter. His children will be encouraged to hate you and will bully your children. He'll stuff a hornets nest into your mailbox and for an encore his irresponsible actions will have your entire community doomed to be eternally sealed inside an impenetrable dome. Then at the last minute, when you have given up all hope and lost all your sanity, he will redeem himself by saving the day, restoring your faith in both god and people, by coming to the aid of the innocent in their time of need. Despite this game saving performance in the bottom of the 9th inning I would still rather not deal with a neighbour like Homer in the first place.


Living next door to Britney Spears would be its own special form of hell. You get the endless stream of paparazzi and their flashbulbs going off at all hours. You can enjoy screams of pain when someones foot is run over as part of her daily parallel parking lessons. The traffic and chaos as another promotion seeking celebrity shows up offering to 'help'. The nightly crying and whining of a neglected child, not to mention the noise her children must make. In fact the only positive thing I can come up with when thinking about living next door to Britney Spears is that Keven Federline no longer lives there so you would at least be able to avoid hearing him sing.


One minute you are crawling around in your bushes weeding your garden or picking vegetables and the next thing you know somebody has shot you in the face. Good luck with any home improvement projects you have planned. One day you casually mention to Dick that you need a new roof, the next day there is somehow a signed no-bid contract with Haliburton nailed to your front door and you owe him $8,000,000,000. Then he will turn around and tell you to invade your other neighbours house so you can steal his roof. Plus you have to deal with all his unsavory friends and business associates that are lurking around your house, especially the retarded kid wearing a cowboy hat who is always staring at you thru your bedroom window while picking his nose and asking if you know his daddy.


Shopping at a Wal-Mart is bad enough so can you even imagine having to live next door to one? To hell with the convenience, what about the glare of the parking lot lights in your bedroom window? The endless stream of delivery trucks backing into the loading docks. The teenage employees hiding behind your fence smoking weed or swapping spit during their breaks. Even worse they are now open 24-hours a day and encouraging people to use the parking lot as an RV campground. You couldn't even have fun people watching, unless you enjoy watching poor, fat, overweight people.


Living next to this santimonious religious nutbar pedophile would be a real treat and put a whole new meaning to the term "lock up your daughters". You would have one of his brain-dead followers knocking on your door every day telling you they held the only true path to your salvation. Plus when they ask if you want to buy any cookies the parents would push their 8-year old daughter in front of you and introduce her as 'Cookie'. Be warned that when your 50-year old neighbour asks how your wifes pregnancy is coming along and what her due date is he isn't being friendly, he is planning his wedding day.


Your neighbours are crawling over or under your fence and sneaking into your home every time you turn your back, and sometimes even when you don't. You go to work one day to find out they took your job, so you manage to find another job and go to work one day to find out they took the whole factory and moved it into their yard. Half of your TV channels are suddenly speaking a language you don't understand, your politicans are pandering to them in order to get their vote, there are hundreds of thousands of 'visitors' in your home, and you still can't find a decent burrito anywhere.

Your looking for some form of rational dialog to address the issues but instead you get nothing but extemists on both sides. The government buries its head in the sand and the only protection you are getting from the tide of illegals coming over the fence every day is a gang of redneck facists who suddenly show up and march back and forth like the SS guards at Buchenwald while comparing bald eagle tattoos, drinking Busch Lite, and ranting about NASCAR. You are encouraged to go on vacation in their yard, lured by affordable prices and a tropical climate, but once there you end up getting robbed, raped, and possibly murdered. Then when you complain they just shake you down and accuse you of attempting to buy drugs and that you deserved whatever happened.


The worst thing about living next to Osama would have to be that you are probably living in a cave somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan. Instead of a cup of sugar he is always coming over to borrow your video camera or a roll of toilet paper. Can you even refuse if he asks to use your phone? He definately doesn't even have his own calling card. You would be always worried he would judge you not worthy in the eyes of his god, so you have to make public displays of piety a daily occurrance. Finally you are living in constant fear that when the US military finally finds his hiding place they are going to bomb the whole neighbourhood from orbit instead of sending in a commando team who may at least attempt to minimize civilian casualties. Good luck getting back your power tools when he mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night.


This wonderful corner of the world won the dubious honor of being #1 on the "Worlds Worst Polluted Places" for 2007 by The Blacksmith Institute. This home of over 40 Soviet-era factories was the industrial center for the manufacturing of pesticides, chlorine, detergents, and plenty of other noxious garbage. Today it is a cesspool of untreated sewage, mercury contamination, and some of the highest rates of cancer and birth defects anywhere in the world. And if you think that is bad, most of the factories have closed, so you can't even get a decent job in this town.


Seriously, can you even imagine a worse neighbour? Not only can the Death Star blow up your house, but it can blow up your whole planet when you forget to return that 30' ladder or fail to pledge allegiance to the Emperor. Even worse, if you move it can follow you anywhere in the galaxy. Don't even get me started about the parking problems you would experience when the entire Imperial fleet shows up for some big meeting. To make matters worse you've got those peksy Rebels launching suicide attacks against the thing every couple weeks, so its only a matter of time before you have an X-Wing fighter or some other piece of random space debris crashing into your living room. Then when the damn thing is finally blown up they start rebuilding it but never finish the job, turning your street into a permanent construction zone, and you don't even dare to ask to see the permit.

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Anonymous said...

This rocks!

Anonymous said...

You should have more serial killers

Ca1v1n said...

I thought about that, but kept to to Picton for the Canadian connection. I could have easily chosen Bernardo. I'll do another version at some point that excludes fiction/cartoon characters and institutions.

xoggoth said...

Brill. Definitely worth a silly award on my blog.

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