Dan writes:

I've got a neighbor who lives down the street who drives a piece of crap Tercel. He installed a stereo system that must be worth thousands of dollars and takes up the entire back seat and the trunk. I always know when he is coming home or going out somewhere because I can hear the car from several blocks away. He must be totally deaf by now with the music so loud all the time.

Ca1v1n replies:

I can relate. There is somebody who lives down the street from me who drives a pickup truck that I can hear coming from a mile away. He also has a tendency to fail to stop at the corner right in front of my house, and when it is late at night he is especially fond of throwing in a little tire squeal just to let us know how cool he is.

One thing that makes me smile to myself... a reflection on how things change but stay the same...

When I was a kid, when some 20-something idiot wanted everyone to think they were 'cool' they drove a souped up Trans-Am and blasted heavy metal out the windows. Now they drive souped up 4-banger rice burners blasting house music out the windows.

I'm not sure why but many of the folks who read Stupid Neighbour seem to be from the U.K. An organization called the Citizens Advice Bureau has created this excellent online resource for resolving neighbour disputes. It has plenty of common-sense infused wisdom that could help anybody, but for those who live in England, Ireland, Scotland or Wales there is lots of very specific contact information for various local organizations and resources.

TOP 10 WORST NEIGHBOURS

#10 - ROBERT PICTON

There is not much worse then living near a pig farm. You have to experience the smell first hand, as no words can properly describe the foul stench to which you are exposed. Now imagine that the pig farm next door is owned by Robert Picton. More then a simple pig farmer, he is Canada's most prolific serial killer, accused of murdering 27 people. Estimates are that Picton is actually responsible for at least 50 murders. Picton operated a large pig farm near the city of Vancouver and police allege he disposed of the bodies by feeding them to his pigs. All of Picton's victims were heroin-addicted prostitutes so technically as a next door neighbour you wouldn't have much to fear (unless you were a heroin-addicted prostitute), which is why Picton only makes #10 on this list. Picton is currently in jail and has been found guilty of six charges of 2nd degree murder, which will keep him behind bars a minimum of 25 years without parole. Due to his age and failing health there is little chance he will ever be released from prison other then for his funeral.


#9 - HOMER SIMPSON

Where do we start? At one time or another this neighbour will steal everything you own. He will cause your business to fail. He will be partially responsible for the death of your wife. He will teach your children to swear, mock your faith at every opportunity, scratch himself in front of your guests, and reject every overture of kindness and generosity you send his way. When the world is ending he will even kick you out of your own bomb shelter. His children will be encouraged to hate you and will bully your children. He'll stuff a hornets nest into your mailbox and for an encore his irresponsible actions will have your entire community doomed to be eternally sealed inside an impenetrable dome. Then at the last minute, when you have given up all hope and lost all your sanity, he will redeem himself by saving the day, restoring your faith in both god and people, by coming to the aid of the innocent in their time of need. Despite this game saving performance in the bottom of the 9th inning I would still rather not deal with a neighbour like Homer in the first place.


#8 - BRITNEY SPEARS

Living next door to Britney Spears would be its own special form of hell. You get the endless stream of paparazzi and their flashbulbs going off at all hours. You can enjoy screams of pain when someones foot is run over as part of her daily parallel parking lessons. The traffic and chaos as another promotion seeking celebrity shows up offering to 'help'. The nightly crying and whining of a neglected child, not to mention the noise her children must make. In fact the only positive thing I can come up with when thinking about living next door to Britney Spears is that Keven Federline no longer lives there so you would at least be able to avoid hearing him sing.


#7 - DICK CHENEY

One minute you are crawling around in your bushes weeding your garden or picking vegetables and the next thing you know somebody has shot you in the face. Good luck with any home improvement projects you have planned. One day you casually mention to Dick that you need a new roof, the next day there is somehow a signed no-bid contract with Haliburton nailed to your front door and you owe him $8,000,000,000. Then he will turn around and tell you to invade your other neighbours house so you can steal his roof. Plus you have to deal with all his unsavory friends and business associates that are lurking around your house, especially the retarded kid wearing a cowboy hat who is always staring at you thru your bedroom window while picking his nose and asking if you know his daddy.


#6 - WAL-MART

Shopping at a Wal-Mart is bad enough so can you even imagine having to live next door to one? To hell with the convenience, what about the glare of the parking lot lights in your bedroom window? The endless stream of delivery trucks backing into the loading docks. The teenage employees hiding behind your fence smoking weed or swapping spit during their breaks. Even worse they are now open 24-hours a day and encouraging people to use the parking lot as an RV campground. You couldn't even have fun people watching, unless you enjoy watching poor, fat, overweight people.


#5 - WARREN JEFFS

Living next to this santimonious religious nutbar pedophile would be a real treat and put a whole new meaning to the term "lock up your daughters". You would have one of his brain-dead followers knocking on your door every day telling you they held the only true path to your salvation. Plus when they ask if you want to buy any cookies the parents would push their 8-year old daughter in front of you and introduce her as 'Cookie'. Be warned that when your 50-year old neighbour asks how your wifes pregnancy is coming along and what her due date is he isn't being friendly, he is planning his wedding day.


#4 - MEXICO

Your neighbours are crawling over or under your fence and sneaking into your home every time you turn your back, and sometimes even when you don't. You go to work one day to find out they took your job, so you manage to find another job and go to work one day to find out they took the whole factory and moved it into their yard. Half of your TV channels are suddenly speaking a language you don't understand, your politicans are pandering to them in order to get their vote, there are hundreds of thousands of 'visitors' in your home, and you still can't find a decent burrito anywhere.

Your looking for some form of rational dialog to address the issues but instead you get nothing but extemists on both sides. The government buries its head in the sand and the only protection you are getting from the tide of illegals coming over the fence every day is a gang of redneck facists who suddenly show up and march back and forth like the SS guards at Buchenwald while comparing bald eagle tattoos, drinking Busch Lite, and ranting about NASCAR. You are encouraged to go on vacation in their yard, lured by affordable prices and a tropical climate, but once there you end up getting robbed, raped, and possibly murdered. Then when you complain they just shake you down and accuse you of attempting to buy drugs and that you deserved whatever happened.


#3 - OSAMA BIN LADEN

The worst thing about living next to Osama would have to be that you are probably living in a cave somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan. Instead of a cup of sugar he is always coming over to borrow your video camera or a roll of toilet paper. Can you even refuse if he asks to use your phone? He definately doesn't even have his own calling card. You would be always worried he would judge you not worthy in the eyes of his god, so you have to make public displays of piety a daily occurrance. Finally you are living in constant fear that when the US military finally finds his hiding place they are going to bomb the whole neighbourhood from orbit instead of sending in a commando team who may at least attempt to minimize civilian casualties. Good luck getting back your power tools when he mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night.


#2 - SUMGAYIT, AZERBAIJAN

This wonderful corner of the world won the dubious honor of being #1 on the "Worlds Worst Polluted Places" for 2007 by The Blacksmith Institute. This home of over 40 Soviet-era factories was the industrial center for the manufacturing of pesticides, chlorine, detergents, and plenty of other noxious garbage. Today it is a cesspool of untreated sewage, mercury contamination, and some of the highest rates of cancer and birth defects anywhere in the world. And if you think that is bad, most of the factories have closed, so you can't even get a decent job in this town.


#1 - THE DEATH STAR

Seriously, can you even imagine a worse neighbour? Not only can the Death Star blow up your house, but it can blow up your whole planet when you forget to return that 30' ladder or fail to pledge allegiance to the Emperor. Even worse, if you move it can follow you anywhere in the galaxy. Don't even get me started about the parking problems you would experience when the entire Imperial fleet shows up for some big meeting. To make matters worse you've got those peksy Rebels launching suicide attacks against the thing every couple weeks, so its only a matter of time before you have an X-Wing fighter or some other piece of random space debris crashing into your living room. Then when the damn thing is finally blown up they start rebuilding it but never finish the job, turning your street into a permanent construction zone, and you don't even dare to ask to see the permit.

I've found a great resource online entitled the Neighbour to Neighbour Toolkit, which is put out by the City of Waterloo, Ontario. Even if you don't live in the Waterloo area (about an hour from Toronto and home to Canadian technology giant Research in Motion) this site has lots of great information that anybody can use to help improve their community.

Available are step-by-step guides on how to setup your own community association, community gardens, or an intimate neighbourhood BBQ for 500 people. They also have sample press releases, hints and tips for effective planning meetings, setting up community newsletters, and being a force for positive change in your community.

This knowledge and information provided on this site is both universal and easy to adapt for your community.

If you are a dog owner you may be interested to know that the Canadian Kennel Club offers a 12-step training and certification program that can recognize your dog as a 'Canine Good Neighbour'. Information on the program, including registered evaluators and tests for your area, is available on their website under CKC Services->Canine Good Neighbour. For those in the USA, the American Kennel Club offers many similar resources.

John writes:

I moved into my condo about two months ago. It was a nice change because the apartment building where I was living was a total dump, and I figured owners would be more respectful than renters. For the most part this has proven to be the case. The exception is the people below me.

I am very careful at all times not to stomp, play loud music or have the television loud. The people below me have company an average of twice a week. Sometimes a few people, sometimes more. Problem here is the guests tend to slam the door. So I talked to them about it. The woman was very understanding (I have only said hello to the guy once in passing) and said she was glad to know. A week later the noise seemed to have gotten better so I took some cookies down that I had made.

A few days later they had a full blowout bash (for Christmas) without telling anyone. Doors slamming, screaming, loud music, the works. Well, the woman below them called the cops TWICE and they got a fine, which apparently the guy was pissed about. I also heard he knew it wasn't me who tattled.

About two weeks or so after this the woman came up to return my cookie container (never said thanks or if she liked them) and also informed me they had installed weatherstripping on their front door to muffle the noise of the door. Well, it has mixed results. It does seem quieter, but they still slam the door, so the difference is not great. Point being, they don't quite seem to understand the concept of closely a door lightly.

I have spoken to the council, and am fact am trying to get on the council, but it seems like since they're supposedly trying to be better I don't have a leg to stand on. Do I need a lawyer? I feel speaking to them again will be fruitless. They are very young and have lots of friends, so they probably feel I am infringing. Should I compare notes with the woman who lives below them? She must have it worse than me, and maybe we can go to the council together.

Ca1v1n replies:

Your neighbours installing the weather-stripping was a good start, and it proves that they at least are trying to resolve concerns. The way I see it you have a couple options.

For starters, have one of them come up to your flat and hang out for a minute while the other one stays downstairs and slams the door. At least this way they will experience what you are talking about first hand. They quite honestly may think you are over-reacting because they do not realize how much noise it makes. I once had a neighbour who was always banging on my wall and I got a bit arrogant about the whole thing, not considering my stereo to have been that loud. It took them inviting me over to their place (and leaving my stereo on) while I was blasting some Dr. Dre for me to realize how poorly our apartments were soundproofed.

You and the woman below should go to the council together if the visit described above does not yeild results. One suggestion I have, which may not be feasible or not, is to look at installing those door hinges that keep doors from slamming. I am sure you know what I am talking about, I think the generic term is "pneumatic door closure" or something like that. It is basically a bracket at the top of the door with a hinge or spring inside that keeps the door from slamming but still allows it to close. You can probably find them at your local Home Depot or hardware store.

Ideally you can convince the condo board to install them on every door in the building. Worst case scenario is that perhaps if you build up a good relationship with your neighbours they will install one themselves?

Finally, nobody should bake cookies for a neighbour and expect thanks. You should bake cookies because its a nice thing to do, and because you get a sense of satisfaction from the giving in the first place. If you also receive a 'Thank You' for them you got a bonus.